Ok I have serched the soul

Yes I know it has been a while but this is going to be one of those heavey D & M posts so you dont have to read it. It is more for me to get things out and to heal the soul

OK I thought that this would be easy, I know what is in my head but putting it down in words is proving difficult.
I guess if I started at the beginning…
Why have I put on 20 kg????
The main reason I can think of is the fear of intimacy…not wanting anyone close so that they can hurt me or my kids. I know that if I am fat no person will find me attractive and want to know me but deep down inside I don’t want to be alone. I am also scared that if I find a prospective partner that it will end up another failed relationship and I don’t want to put myself or kids through that again.
Plus why would anyone want someone who is divorced and has 3 kids…..
I know this all has to do with self worth and esteem
By how have I come to this point in my life, why has my self esteem plummeted to the point that I would allow this to happen.
I was a happy athletic teenager and I had my first serious boyfriend at 15, unfortunately my adolescent romantic Ideals were destroyed by him at the age of 16 when he had an intimate interlude with my mother. This absolutely destroyed me and to make matters worse I went back to him as I thought I had no one to turn to. My parents were going through a nasty divorce and both of my sisters had there own problems to solve. It didn’t help when the boyfriend turned around and said if I told anyone that he would put a knife to his wrists and it would be my fault. I stayed in this abusive relationship for another 18 months until I got up enough courage to leave him. My mother and I to this date have never spoken about this.
The next few boyfriends I made sure subconsciously that my mother would hate and unfortunately I married one of these. He was never outwardly physically abusive apart from the squeezing of the arm or leg if I said of did anything he didn’t like. He was always putting me down verbally and always classed me as a second class citizen. He also lead me to believe that if I EVER left him he would take the kids but he did me a favour by ending the marriage when Talia was 20 months old and I was 13 weeks pregnant with Eloise, I knew I never would have had the courage to leave him.

I was happy bringing the girls up on my own, I was a size 10-12 and 63kg I had a couple of part time jobs and I was socializing. But deep down I still wanted to find MR Right but I thought that no one would want to take on 2 small kids so I move to Victoria to be closer to family, before I left I had been contacted by an old acquaintance, he happened to be the ex best friend of my first boyfriend. He was interested and didn’t mind the fact that I had 2 small kids so PR came over for a visit from Perth.

I look back now and see that I was desperate for someone to like me that I totally missed that he was another not nice guy. Only after PR moved over and hurt one of the girls and leaving a huge bruise on her leg, he was told if he EVER touched the girls again I would leave but the final straw came when my mother came over for Christmas and she confessed to my sister that in fact her and PR had previously been intimate……It didn’t matter that I was 18 weeks pregnant I was no longer going to stay in a damaging relationship.

Over the next 17 months I put on a staggering 20 kgs and this was after I gave birth to a 5.36kg baby boy. I knew I was making my self fat so that NO ONE else would ever find me attractive. I don’t know why I woke up to my self and decided to come out of this spiral of emotional and physical self-destruction.
So almost 9 months on I know that I deserve better and that I am a nice person who deserves to be loved. I have a long road ahead of me and it wont be easy and even now I am not sure if I will trust my self to find a nice guy but I know once my self worth is where it should be that I will know longer attract the deadhead abusive males that I have previously attracted