The Girls Are Home Tomorrow !!!!!

I cant wait........The girls will be flying in tomorrow morning at 6.55am, this does mean a very early start for us. Getting out of bed at 2am is not my ideal start but it does not matter.
I was a bit worried at the start of the week with ex-tropical cyclone Monica going past Darwin as they had shut down the Airport and then it was fingers crossed that there was no flooding but it all looks good.
I have posted some photos of the girls that my Sister In Law sent from her wedding...Don't they look gorgeous

Happy Belated Easter Everyone!!!!!!

We had a very quiet Easter without the girls, the Easter Bunny dropped off a Elegant Rabbit to Matthew during the night and he has been enjoying it....Takes after his mum in regards to Choccy.
The rest of the week past very uneventful until Tuesday...
Jen and I were heading down to Bendigo to do the fortnightly shop when only a few KM from home I noticed the temp gauge in the car was rising....Not normal for my car so I turned around to head back home when there was a almighty BANG under the bonnet...OH NO...I pulled straight over with my heart going ten to the dozen. I thought I had blown my engine ( the temp gauge hadn't gone over 3/4 mind you!)
So Jen stayed with the car and Matthew and I walked back to get her car from home...It was only 1km, the day continued being a pain with us unable to do most of the shopping due to road closures around Bendigo with the Easter Parade.
Good Ol Uncle Dave towed the car home that evening and had a quick look (the advantages of having a mechanic in the family) it was the top radiator hose blown as well as the belt for the water pump....So it would be a matter of fixing those to find out if any more damage had been done to the engine.
Wednesday Jen and I headed off to the doctor to get the annual flu jab (oh the joys of being a chronic asthmatic) normally a community nurse gives me mine but the doc had changed practices so he has it all at the surgery...Anyway he noticed a mark on my upper arm and asked how long it had been there....I wasn't sure, it wasn't a mole so I never took much notice. He went off to get the looky things they use and had a really good sticky beak. He then turned to me and said it has to be moved asap and do I have any more of these marks on my body. I said that I had quiet a few moles removed in my early 20's from my back, so he had another look and there was another one of these things in the middle of my back.....So I am back off on Monday to get them removed....
So last night Dave came home and replaced the hose and belt on my car and lucky it appears no other damage has been done .......Thank goodness
AND today is only THURSDAY!!!!!!!!

Ok I have serched the soul

Yes I know it has been a while but this is going to be one of those heavey D & M posts so you dont have to read it. It is more for me to get things out and to heal the soul

OK I thought that this would be easy, I know what is in my head but putting it down in words is proving difficult.
I guess if I started at the beginning…
Why have I put on 20 kg????
The main reason I can think of is the fear of intimacy…not wanting anyone close so that they can hurt me or my kids. I know that if I am fat no person will find me attractive and want to know me but deep down inside I don’t want to be alone. I am also scared that if I find a prospective partner that it will end up another failed relationship and I don’t want to put myself or kids through that again.
Plus why would anyone want someone who is divorced and has 3 kids…..
I know this all has to do with self worth and esteem
By how have I come to this point in my life, why has my self esteem plummeted to the point that I would allow this to happen.
I was a happy athletic teenager and I had my first serious boyfriend at 15, unfortunately my adolescent romantic Ideals were destroyed by him at the age of 16 when he had an intimate interlude with my mother. This absolutely destroyed me and to make matters worse I went back to him as I thought I had no one to turn to. My parents were going through a nasty divorce and both of my sisters had there own problems to solve. It didn’t help when the boyfriend turned around and said if I told anyone that he would put a knife to his wrists and it would be my fault. I stayed in this abusive relationship for another 18 months until I got up enough courage to leave him. My mother and I to this date have never spoken about this.
The next few boyfriends I made sure subconsciously that my mother would hate and unfortunately I married one of these. He was never outwardly physically abusive apart from the squeezing of the arm or leg if I said of did anything he didn’t like. He was always putting me down verbally and always classed me as a second class citizen. He also lead me to believe that if I EVER left him he would take the kids but he did me a favour by ending the marriage when Talia was 20 months old and I was 13 weeks pregnant with Eloise, I knew I never would have had the courage to leave him.

I was happy bringing the girls up on my own, I was a size 10-12 and 63kg I had a couple of part time jobs and I was socializing. But deep down I still wanted to find MR Right but I thought that no one would want to take on 2 small kids so I move to Victoria to be closer to family, before I left I had been contacted by an old acquaintance, he happened to be the ex best friend of my first boyfriend. He was interested and didn’t mind the fact that I had 2 small kids so PR came over for a visit from Perth.

I look back now and see that I was desperate for someone to like me that I totally missed that he was another not nice guy. Only after PR moved over and hurt one of the girls and leaving a huge bruise on her leg, he was told if he EVER touched the girls again I would leave but the final straw came when my mother came over for Christmas and she confessed to my sister that in fact her and PR had previously been intimate……It didn’t matter that I was 18 weeks pregnant I was no longer going to stay in a damaging relationship.

Over the next 17 months I put on a staggering 20 kgs and this was after I gave birth to a 5.36kg baby boy. I knew I was making my self fat so that NO ONE else would ever find me attractive. I don’t know why I woke up to my self and decided to come out of this spiral of emotional and physical self-destruction.
So almost 9 months on I know that I deserve better and that I am a nice person who deserves to be loved. I have a long road ahead of me and it wont be easy and even now I am not sure if I will trust my self to find a nice guy but I know once my self worth is where it should be that I will know longer attract the deadhead abusive males that I have previously attracted

73.8 kg

Well after my disgusting splurge on chocolate over the weekend I weighed my self this morning to find that I have lost the weight I had put on over Christmas/new Year. This is a huge relief as It is hard work and I wont have to start all over again, I am only 1 kg off my lowest weight to date.....
I admit I have been very slack with my eating over the last few months and I am sad to say that my goal date has come and gone....APRIL
But I am still positive that I can loose this weight.

On a different note ....I am addicted to watching the biggest Loser...This is purely my sisters fault, she started it.
Normally I usually watch it for mind numbing entertainment but last nights show made me think....
IT was delving in to the emotional reasons why the contestants allowed themselves to reach the excess weight. And that there is no point in loosing the weight if the original reason for the gain is not confronted.
this made me think of myself and why I have allowed myself to put on 20 + kilos.....
I had it all figured out and pin pointed what, when and how it all began and when I have some more time I will type it out. It will be therapeutic and hopefully I will be able to put the past behind me and move on...

A Huge Catch Up

Well the girls left on Friday .
We were to meet their dad at the departure lounge at 9am as the plane left at 10am. We made it with 5 min to spare....We left home at 6.30 and only just made it. Eloise was very nervous and really didn't want to go. Not that I blame her as she has only seen her dad 3 times in the last 5 1/2 years.
I said goodbye to the girls at the car as I knew if I stayed to long at the airport I would cry so I said that I would drop them at their dad and leave as this was his time with them. I also didn't want to be around him any longer than I had to. I was feeling pretty nervous about seeing him, it had been 4 years but I was relieved to see that he was FAT....I know that isn't nice..... But for a man who prides himself in how he looks and used to criticize me about every gram that I gained (or lost) this was a petty but small victory. I came away a much happier person.
The girls hugged me good bye and I am please to say that I didn't cry and we left.
My niece and I then drove to High Point ( A HUGE shopping centre in Melbourne) to do some serious shopping and eating....

I know I was naughty but we had pancakes for lunch, went to the chocolate bar for afternoon tea and Italian for dinner....Plus there was cheesecake at home waiting.

I managed to buy myself some new runners. At $200 I nearly choked at the price but if they get rid of the pain in my shins when I walk I will be eternally grateful.

So since Saturday the girls have rung and they are having a nice time, they were pretty pleased about having a queen bed and their own room each.

The house is VERY quiet and I miss them like crazy...My eyes burn every time I think of them.....Only 24 days till they come home......